A few streets down a boy named Flynn was getting ready to leave for his first day at a new school too. There were so many thoughts going through his head as he walked out the door to meet his sudden fate at a place where he knew nobody. He wanted to make friends, but it was so hard considering it was his senior year. He had always been told that he was a beautiful child, but that didn't seem important because Flynn was lonely all the time. He had always been an outcast at his past schools, and he didn't expect this year to be any different. He stumbled out of bed and grabbed his usual black hoodie and ragged jeans. As he slipped out the door, he thought to himself, "Will I ever meet someone who really understands me for who I am?"
Scarlet walked up to the front doors of the school and pushed them open. Everyone turned and looked at the new and exotically beautiful girl. Her wavy red hair draped all the way down to her lower back. She had no makeup on; her mom always told her that her natural beauty was enough. Scarlet walked through the hallway with everyone's eyes on her, but then all of their eyes shifted back to the front door. Out walked Flynn, a long, chiseled face hidden behind curly brown hair. The girls couldn't keep their eyes off him, and the boys couldn't keep their eyes off Scarlet.
The first bell of the day rang and everyone broke their gazes and sprinted to class. Scarlet and Flynn bumped into each other as they both tried to make it inside the classroom before they were counted late. Scarlet dropped her books and Flynn quickly bent down and picked them up in one fell swoop. They sat at desks next to each each other in the back of the room, but neither of them spoke a word the entire hour. As they walked out the door to go to their next classes, Flynn called to Scarlet. "Hey, I'm Flynn, by the way." He walked away, but little did they know that would be the start of these soulmates' story together.
Flynn and Scarlet went on a couple of dates, but when Flynn finally invited Scarlet to come over to his house, his mother was anything but pleased to see her. She told Flynn that Scarlet reminded her of her husband's ex-wife, Charlotte. Her red hair and piercing blue eyes were identical to Charlotte's and she refused to let Scarlet into the house. This went on for almost a month, until Flynn decided to stand up to his mother and tell her how he felt about Scarlet. His mother, at first, did not believe Flynn, telling him that he was naive and merely infatuated with the beautiful girl. However, Flynn proved her wrong. He said that he believed that they were soulmates and that they had been placed on this earth to meet each other. "Regardless of what you say, Mother, I will never give up on the love of my life, Scarlet." Then Flynn's mother said something that he was never expecting to hear...
"Well, nothing can stand in the way of true love, Flynn."
This picture of a statue of Psyche and Cupid represents the love that they share and the love that Scarlet and Flynn share.
"Psyche Revived By Cupid's Kiss" by Antonio Canova.
Bibliography:
Psyche and Cupid is one of my favorite stories and I really like how you turned it into a story of high school sweet hearts. I also think the fact they are a bit misunderstood adds to it very nicely.
ReplyDeleteI am curious why Scarlette have been forced to move around so often that she has to start a new school her senior year?
I think your description of the kids and the school is really well done. The dialogue is great as well. You took a great love story and turned into another great love story that is relatable and fun to things that are going on today. I wish I could find out how their relationship further developed but I supposed that is one of the downfalls of only have 1000 words! Such a great job! Thank you for sharing. I look forward to seeing where your portfolio takes you in this class.
Really enjoyed the modern twist in this story and feel it makes it easier to read. The wow moment for me in this story was the great description words that were used throughout the story. I was able to imagine and put myself into the location and in their situations. One thing that I think would be good to add to the story would be some more background information on why Flynn and Scarlet had to move around and why they ended up at the school they did. This would give more emotional connection to the characters for the readers. I understand the limit on the stories is hard but I would love to have a little more story about their first day of school. If any enemies were made, any chances to step out of their comfort zones, or any more meeting between the two. Overall though, very good story and you did a great job at keeping the mystery alive in the end.
ReplyDeleteHi Bradlee! So funny story, I actually read this a few weeks ago for the blog comments. ☺ But I still love the story! I am actually really glad you decided to put this in your portfolio, because it really sticks out in my mind. I still remember it after all of those stories I have read for this class! I think you are a terrific writer and this was super creative. Like I said before, I love how you placed this story in a more modern period. Whenever I think of Los Angeles, I immediately think how popular it is right now! I don’t think it was quite as popular a long time ago ;) Your portfolio is going to turn out so well, keep up the good work! I’m excited to see the finished product!
ReplyDeleteI think this story show’s that you’re a really good writer and about 80% comfortable with your writing but there are a few sentences here that are just very awkwardly worded. The second sentence of the second paragraph, for instance, should be reworded. As should the third paragraph. “One fell swoop” sounds a little out of place for the act of picking up books, it’s just a bit too dramatic. I would also say to reorient your focus a bit more. The beginning of the story was wonderfully elaborated but I felt like the last couple paragraphs were where the emphasis and extra detail should have been but wasn’t. If the story had a higher word count ceiling, I think the extra info in the beginning would work just fine, but because you ran out of room, the actual romance and the obstacle of his mom were a little too glanced over. Placing the correct emphasis and detail on the most important bits of the story and shortening the rest is something you might want to keep in mind when you’re writing your next one.
ReplyDeleteHi Bradlee! This was a really cool story and written very well! I was able to put myself in this story and picture everything in my head as I was reading. Really cool! I would like to have more background info on the characters and maybe even more details about them as well. I like the fact they are misunderstood high school students, it makes it pretty relatable to students our age or younger. It also helped making it easier to read! I like how you took their relationship and made it relatable to us. That’s what I love about having students our age write stories for us to read. It makes it so much more fun, and easy. This was awesome and I cannot wait to read more of your portfolio!
ReplyDeleteHi Bradlee! I like how you took a mythological story and modernized it. You were able to convey the same message as the original story, while relating the story to a modern situation. You spend a lot of time describing the two characters so that we can really picture them. I wonder how the story would go if you maybe added more to the action, whether that be cutting out some of the description or just lengthening the story a bit. I think it might be more exciting if we had more dialogue or more details into their dating or interactions. I like how you ended on a quote. That added a big emphasis and a powerful ending. The quote was unexpected after the setup of the mother’s character. This conveys the overall message while still incorporating a twist. You could also go into more detail about the arguments between Flynn and the mother to help strengthen the importance of that last quote.
ReplyDeleteBradlee,
ReplyDeleteI love the first line - the heat and the start of school: unbearable! I can totally relate. ;) (I can also relate to hitting snooze about 5 times each morning, oops!)
I really enjoyed this story, especially the ending. What a mysterious and unexpected thing for the mother to say, especially after acting so petty. I kind of wonder why Flynn's mom dislikes her husband's ex to such an extent? I mean, no one loves their significant other's ex, usually, but that is some pretty strong dislike that would cause her to almost punish her son and this innocent girl because of it. It makes me wonder what will happen next with their love story, and what role Flynn's mother will play... Your story also reminded me some of the movie "10 Thing I Hate About You", even though Scarlett didn't seem as bitter as Kat. Anyway, this story is interesting and left me wanting more! Good job.
Hi Bradlee,
ReplyDeleteWow, great job on your retelling first of all! It was a really enjoyable, smooth read, which I feel can be one of the hardest things to accomplish in storytelling. I also retold the myth of Cupid and Psyche so I came into your version being well-versed in the original content. Much to my happiness, I was able to pick out all the differences in both versions easily, which helped me appreciate your take on the story even more. As a piece of advice I would add more dialogue into the piece, to create more of an active world than a descriptive one. Although I highly enjoyed your descriptions of the characters and setting I wanted to feel the characters take action just a bit more. Throughout the retelling, I found myself really engaging with the modernization tactics you used to bring the story to a retable point of view; made me think of some ways to hopefully advance my writing as well. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your first portfolio piece!
I really liked how you went back and forth between the characters in each paragraph. I think it set up the story really well here.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if we could get a little more back story to these characters? Specific details maybe? What made these characters move so much? Also, I would love to know more juicy details as to how these two started dating! We get the deets on how they met, but how did he muster up the courage to ask her out! I'd love to know. That would also help with the fluidity of the story by adding in some dialogue. Other than that, I think just a general edit would make this story perfect!
I also really liked the mom's part in this story, it certainly made for an interesting twist. This was well-written and you were able to successfully transfer this old old story into modern times!! Brava, can't wait to read more!
I like how you modernized this whole thing and made it more relatable. You also did a good job with your descriptions: enough detail for me to visualize it easily, without taking the job entirely away from my imagination.
ReplyDeleteI’m still curious about how this is resolved. As a reader, I would love to hear a bit more of what ended up becoming of these two lovers? Was everything ok from then on out? Also, why were they both so misunderstood and unloved?
I have a couple nitpicky things to point out. In the second paragraph, it might make a bit more sense to say “in walked Flynn,” instead of “out walked Flynn,” because he’s walking into the school and not out of it. Also, I could have this wrong but I feel like the use of the word “fell” in he fourth paragraph is a bit off. I generally associate a “fell swoop” with something bad, like a hawk grabbing two mice with one fell swoop, rather than a good thing, like picking up all the books. Once again, that may just be an incorrect perception on my part.
I think your story has a lot of good elements to it! It's got the classic setup for misfit characters that every audience loves to read about.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do think there are some parts where the story could be strengthened a bit. For one, there isn't a lot of dialogue between the characters. While this is common in stories in Greek Mythology, it's strange to see it in modern stories. Since your story is a modernized version of an older story, it does make sense if you're trying to preserve the style of ancient mythology.
Another thing is the transition between their first "conversation" and the period when they are dating. I think you could really improve your story by having some scene between these two parts that shows the connection between these two star-crossed lovers.
I wonder what else you could tell us, the readers, about our two main characters. We know they're beautiful - but what else brings them together (besides the fact that they're "outsiders")?
Hey Bradlee, great story. I think you did a good job of setting the scene and getting your characters started for the story. Gotta love the old cliche of future lovers bumping into each other. If you wanted, I think that you have a ton of room to expand as far as the dating and mom portion of the story go. It seems like that would really be the climax of the story, and it only gets a couple sentences. There's also no real time when they fall in love, which would help the story a lot in my opinion. It's kind of like an after thought. Anyway, great story! I hope you choose to expand on a few points and make it even better.
ReplyDeleteHey Bradlee,
ReplyDeleteThis was such a fun story. I love how many people have been translating these old stories to high school settings. I think they're so fun to read. They remind me of the types of books I used to read in high school. I haven't actually read the original story that yours is based on. I'm not big on mythology. But I feel like I got everything I need out of it thanks to your story and author's note. I think you nailed the star-crossed lovers sort of thing. I've gotta agree with a lot of the other commenters that I really just want more! I think you could expand on the backgrounds of the characters, and give them some more time to fall in love. However, I know that the really fast and furious romance is kind of what you're going for, so maybe it's fine! Anyway, this was a super fun story. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff!
Great story! I liked how relatable it was. Cupid and Psyche is one of my favorite stories and I liked how you turned it into a tail of two high school sweethearts. I loved how you left the ending hanging! That’s one of my favorite ways to end a story. One thing I would have loved to see though was more detail in the last paragraph. I feel like you ended the story abruptly and it would have been nice to see you space that out and give more plot! Another thing that I think would help was if you elaborated on the last line in another story! To me the last line sounded like a threat from Aphrodite and I would love to see you expand on that aspect of it. Psyche in the original stories refused to bow to anything Aphrodite threw at her, so it would be interesting to see what your main character is willing to endure as well! Overall great story and I can’t wait to read more!!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story about Scarlet and Flynn. I think that it is important not to give up on the person that you love. I like that Flynn was willing to stand up to his mother and tell her that he loved Scarlet. You shouldn't have to back down and not date someone just because they look like someone's ex's other half. I like the way that they met in school. I think it is also important that neither of them were "popular" in school.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what Scarlet's mother had to say about their relationship? Did she like Flynn? Was she even around? What about Scarlet's Father? A dad can be a big issue if he didn't like Flynn.
I wonder how they would have met if she wouldn't have dropped her books? Would they still have crossed paths?
I think you did a great job on this story and I really enjoyed reading it.
The story is definitely reminiscent of the Cupid and Psyche story. I liked the fact that you made it more modern and more believable. The story was great and really held true to the original. I only wish that it felt a little less rushed. I understand the length and time constraints and you did really well with those. I just thought some areas should have been fleshed out a little more. The part to do with the mother for instance. The initial reaction is on par with the original reaction, but it seems she changes her mind so quickly and it’s not that way in the original. It took many, many things for her to accept it. I think drawing it out and really showing the bad side to the story would make the ending more meaningful. I’m grateful that you kept the fate aspect of the story, I think that’s what made the original so special and oddly romantic. Great job!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job of setting up this story, and it really gives the reader insight on how Scarlet feels about starting at a new school. I also liked the parallels between her and Flynn. They’re both very similar, and they remind me of kindred spirits.
ReplyDeleteThe “teen romance” vibe you were going for in this story came across very well, and I enjoyed how you placed it into a modern setting! I also liked that Flynn and Scarlet had a minor obstacle in their way when it came to their relationship, but that they still ended up together. It proved that they really loved each other, and I’m glad that it didn’t end tragically.
I didn’t see many mistakes besides the sentence starting with “they sat at desks…” where you say “each each.” But other than that everything looks great! Good luck with the rest of your portfolio!
Bradlee,
ReplyDeleteI like how you modernized the characters of Cupid and Psyche. You really set up the backstory nicely, and I felt their anxiety as they prepared for a new school with no friends. I have a friend who moved somewhere new for his senior year, and it was definitely tough for him at first. I love how fate brought them together by bumping into each other and sitting together at the back of class. It's obvious that everyone at the school thought they were attractive, so I find it curious that they don't have other suitors. I love the Scarlet and Charlotte juxtaposition. Flynn's mother plays a jealous Venus well, and I can understand she might not want someone around that reminds her of her husband's ex wife. It is cool that she gives in when Flynn mentions true love. She really does have a soft spot and wants her son to be happy more than anything else. I enjoyed your writing and look forward to reading more of your stories!
Thorpe